Is Right Versus Feels Right ...

So, this week I've had some very hard decisions to make, and it just always reminds me, it never gets easier to make a difficult decision.  You know, the kind where it's like, "I'm screwed if I do, I'm screwed if I don't."

What I've learned in these situations is that sometimes the only thing you can do is what is best, safest, and healthiest for you and yourself, and nobody else.  And this often means that people are going to get hurt because of your decisions.  That's right, the ones you wanted to make that you hope would benefit everyone else but you know it only benefits yourself.  And you feel like a jerk because of it.
 

What I've learned over time is that if I don't respect myself and my needs, I will ultimately end up resenting the people I'm trying to please, or harbour deep seated grudges against others like it's their fault that I chose badly.  But the truth is, I'm usually just angry at myself for making the worst kind of decision--the one that denies what I want and manages to screw me over at the same time.

When you make a decision that is right, versus a decision that feels right, you are choosing yourself over all others.  And there is nothing harder for some people.  (People like me, for example.)  Sometimes, you have to choose yourself.  And when you make a choice because it 'feels right' and stops you from having to face unpleasant realities, you're actually doing yourself a disservice.  No one deserves to live in a dreamland.  And more importantly, you and I will never grow if we continue to propogate those kind of decisions as decisions that are good for us.

At some point life is about waking up and realizing just how precious life is.  We don't always catch the scent of it, we don't always know how valuable it is, but sometimes we only see it right before we have to make one of those kind of decisions--the hard ones.  And life is all about choices.

In the end, all we have are the choices we make.

The diffrences....

I have been talking a lot lately with friends and family about people not being good with commitments.  It seems to me that there are a lot of people in the world (and I include myself in this, guilty as charged, absolutely) that take advantage our your time and seem to consistently fail to help you when you need it, or at least spend time with you when you need it.

In some ways, it's always our own fault when we rely on acquaintances and false friends.  We're only setting ourselves up for failure when we rely on people we know can't be relied upon.  And usually we have a pretty good sense if someone is a commitment-phobe, reliable, or comes-and-goes-with-the-weather.

Everyone in this world deserves respect, but not everyone in the world deserves your time.  The most precious thing in the world we have is time.  And no one should waste their time on people who don't even know the value of spending time with you.

You know, I learned sometime around this year a really awful truth. 

'Nice' is not a good thing. 

Which is funny.  Not like 'ha-ha' funny, but more like, 'Am I on the Twilight Zone' sort of funny or 'Did that really just happen' sort of funny.  Odd, I suppose, is the right word.  It's strange how horrible nice can be. 

There are a lot of nice people in the world.  Nice means smiling, seeming to care, feigning interest, and generally remaining neutral to your cause, feelings, problems, and mistakes. 

Some people like having nice people around.  It's nice when people seem not to judge you, seem not to mind what you do, seem to like you.

But 'nice' isn't a picture of reality.  And nice people aren't your friends. 

Some of the worst things people have done to me have been while they had a smile on their faces.  They were trying to be nice.  You know, that thing that seemed so alright at the time?  But then all those nice people who were feigning interest about things you care about are still feigning interest while they watch your life collapse around you. 

Here's the difference between a friend and a nice person.  A nice person will walk by you in a burning building and comment, "That's really such a shame."  A real friend will pull you out of that burning building. 

We all have something in this world to give.  And some of the best people in the world I know, love and respect are not 'nice' people.  (Heck, most people wouldn't call my mother a 'nice' person, but she's the first to give her shirt off her back for people she absolutely despises.)  The people I love are: cranky, miserable, awkward, generally flawed people with eccentricities and foibles.   And I love them anyways.  And I hope they love me back the same.

It's hard not to want to be surrounded by 'nice'.  Everything's pleasant. no one judges your actions, you feel so safe. 

But, that's not real.  Good friendship to me requires a certain level of respect for a person, but also respect for their feelings, thoughts and actions.  Not to mention the ability to criticize those thoughts and actions when a person gets to close to the fire.  I think Nietzsche said it best when he said, "Go up close to your friend, but do not go over to him! We should also respect the enemy in our friend." 

In life, we are surrounded by enemies...inside ourselves and without.  But the best victories against these enemies come from a true friend.  Nice people just don't cut it in real life.